NOT TAKEN PLACE NOVEL
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Our life – Brown movement of the come true disappointments, the lost opportunities, uvyadshikh hopes. Hopes arise, develop, blossom and fall down, showering sklonennuyu in grief a head white ashes yablonevykh petals. But any hope, even the smallest and weak, does not die finally, finding almost immortality in a turn of wonderful reincarnations, reviving again and again in a new appearance – and so down to mortal our hour. To what I it? Probably, to that is not present the hope, than hope for the Meeting – that, from the big letter is more immortal. it accompanies with a life of each woman is persistent, as lipstick, and approximately from the same age when the girl for the first time takes in hands brilliant or matte tsilindrik. All of us we know, how it should be, we know up to the smallest details, and it is unimportant, to us this knowledge whence comes: from soap operas, sweet novels in cheap paper covers and other nonsense or from secret depths of our subconsciousness. We know also that this Meeting and all subsequent never will be. Also we hope, that once to us will carry.
I have not called to you, have not written the message on e-mail, have not dumped(reset) sms-êó on mobile. I have left at spring night, my train sent to midnight. It sounds romantically, but all romanticism finally turns around banal household inconveniences. From eight when there has left all our delegation, and up to twelve me there was no place to get to. To not sit at boring and rather dirty Kiev station! Yet has not started to darken, I aimlessly went on neighboring streets, ploughing more densely a jacket and shmorgaya a nose because has sharply become cold. That abated, renewed such sharp, completely not spring, not a tender wind, the sky khmurilos and it was going to be spat by a fine rain. From nine up to half twelfth I sat in nearest "McDonalds" – not because I would like to eat. But there it was crowded, svetlo, warmly, easy, and nobody prevented to play to me children's game of adult girls – to take out a mobile phone, representing as I now shall dial your number to sigh, sadly to smile to itself, to imagine our conversation and, and not having called to hide phone back. Silly, certainly. But sometimes you get tired to be clever.
That you will not call, I knew. I even am assured, that you have lost a piece of paper with number of my mobile phone in the same evening. Or has forgotten to write a name, and, having found it it is casual in three days, long it wrinkled a forehead, trying to understand: whose is phone? Why I have written down it? And whether it is possible to throw out this piece of paper? But you also have not been obliged to call. In this situation the interested party(side) was I. You were for me valuable extraction (if only it is possible to use this term with reference to such mountain-îõîòíèöå as). Large strong the man. Really large – I to you on a shoulder, though I above average growth. Clever. Arranged. Probably, talented. I speak "probably" because I and have not had time to learn(find out) you better. All our dialogue was prolonged any five hours.
Already having suited to the car, I have looked back. Before me the panorama night, siyayushchej mirriadami fires, Moscow among which it was allocated vysotka the Ministry of Foreign Affairs on Smolensk was spread. Fires was too much, and from this the sky got unnatural for night a ñèðåíåâî-grey shade. Before me the city to which there was up to me no business(affairs) reached. As well as me up to it, however. But in this city there was you.
I long stood on platform, minutes twenty. Any illusions – I not idiotka. I waited for nobody. But the wind has abated, was fresh and it is good, and I would not like to leave my last Moscow night. I well remember these minutes, I remember everything, down to insignificant, nothing of meaning trifles. For example, I remember, that in the middle of platform in meters of five from me there were three empty bottles from under beer. I remember, how two muzhiks in shabby leather jackets long dragged in the car huge tyazhelennuyu a bag, and I have still marvelled: what they there carry? I was sad and quiet. Eventually, I came back home, and as it is good on a visit, it is better than the house.
And nevertheless when the train has got under way, I cried in twilight of a compartment. Nobody could see my tears, and they flew, senseless, bitter, unnecessary. I knew, about what I cry(pay), but never would dare to tell about this aloud. Nothing looks(appears) so ridiculously and it is a pity, as pulled out from a dark secluded corner where it should be, on a general review hope. However, I cried not for long, have got used to cope with myself. And, otplakav, I was betraid to fresh memoirs.
We have happened. But not so it is casual, as there are in the bus people living in the neighbourhood. It was truly coupling of improbable, individual circumstances: for me arrival on this press conference was natural, but arrival to Moscow was casual; you were born also veins in Moscow, but on press conference have got absolutely casually. Chance, that we shall meet, there was, as they say, one of one million, and down to the last the meeting could be broken – I did not wish to go on a buffet table. I do not like to look, how quite provided and full people represent from themselves the homeless birds flied to a gratuitous feeding trough. But all the same has gone, because itself has wanted to eat. There we also have collided(faced), is direct as at cinema from high life – at a little table with fruit and sweet, with glasses in hands.
The initiative was shown, certainly, by you, have shown so easily and gracefully (it is visible, experience has affected), that in three minutes I spoke with you as with old friend – cheerfully, easy and about what. We have chatted very not for long among snuyushchej backwards-forward and chewing crowd of journalists, and you have called me on any presentation. I and have not understood plainly on what, and now I shall not recollect. But I remember, that has served as an occasion to your invitation. I have complained, that to me have not got grapes – it was a little, and there and then all have snatched away. You there and then were: « Have gone(Send) with me on presentation! There there will be a smart table, warrant! » You so painted charm of an another's entertainment, that I have quickly surrendered. You promised, that there there will be all Moscow and me, priezzhej at whom will look. Besides the fantastic entertainment was absolutely close, ten minutes by the car, but with the Moscow fuses to reach on foot more quickly. We also have gone(send) on foot on filled in by the sun Tver, and all road you so sincerely asked me on my life, that I was ready to believe, as if it is indeed interesting to you.
The table indeed was smart, but especially was binges much: "Absolute", "Smirnoff", "Capital", whisky, tequila, cognacs, a champagne French, the present Georgian wines, any liquors and among other a light muscat – my favourite wine. You have poured to me, have lifted the glass and have offered a unexpected toast: « For your beauty ». I have become puzzled and have not reacted properly – have started to murmur something inappropriate, worthy vosmiklassnitsy. During any moment I have really started to feel myself vosmiklassnitsej – as the beginning girl near to the strong and clever adult the man. And this sensation was pleasant, as well as spreading on a body warmly from wine. You have chosen for me a huge brush of light green grapes and, transmitting it to me, as though have accidentally touched with the warm fingers to mine. Our hands have kissed, and to me became ridiculous – I do not know, why. In general to me it was good in this evening, all time suited people only stirred(prevented). Some of them to me were known, for example, the announcer from any channel, apparently, RTR. You represented me as the friend, they greeted – politely or familiarly, but to drink wanted with you. I did not take offence and on what did not apply.
You did not speak about personal, but I perfectly understood, that you cannot be lonely. Would be ridiculous to count on something serious, but the beautiful novel – why and is not present? You have liked me, and even more: calmness, solidity, a low pleasant voice you reminded my father, and it means much: in fact the father (if it is) – the first sample of the man for the girl. We suited each other on age – you on 10 were more senior than years, we were almost colleagues, we spoke in one language. All this made excellent(different) preconditions for everything: minute hobby, the beautiful novel, love for a coffin. If it is fair, I would accept any variant. And during any moment it seemed, that all is possible(probable) – it seems, when we send(have left) on deserted and silent evening street. However, both of us were fine drunk. You kept the good fellow, and I have become limp. And when you so are gentle, so carefully asked, whether I am tired, at me heart from affection was compressed. Whether it is necessary to the lonely woman much? Caress it, warm a word – it and will thaw.
However, in strict sense of a word I was not lonely. Someone waited for me at home and called every evening, but this someone was only filling of emptiness. And you looked at me as then it seemed to me, with caress and tenderness, you persuaded me to spit upon the program and to go tomorrow with you on festival of animation films where you were the judge. Why you so called me? In fact do not call absolutely another's and unnecessary person, do not take for a hand, do not promise « tremendous cultural program », so in fact? Or all this was display of the well-known Moscow breadth, that breadth when drink in the evening, embrace and name the best friend, and next morning pass by, not greeting? I do not know. And any more I do not learn(I find out).
We have left at an input(entrance) in hotel " Russia ". You were not torn in number, and I did not call. I did not call, because it at all in my rules, and here why you were not torn? How the delicate and brought up person? Or it is simple so has drunk too much, what already nothing wanted, except for a shower and a dream? Or wished to learn(find out) me better? We have exchanged phones, you have given me the vizitku, and I, as always, have not found anything, except for that scrap of a paper which as I already spoke, most likely, has been lost by you on road home. You promised me to call in the morning, but, certainly, have not called; and on festival I to go could not in any way. And next day I should leave.
For high-grade development of the novel it was not simple time; but in my imaginations it was only the beginning, in romantic history the second was assumed, the third and ennaya series. You come to me, I come to you, long telephone conversations, infinite letters on "emele" … much that was supposed, but you and have not found me in continuation of these two days, have not called, have not communicated. All has ended, and not having begun.
Why I have not called itself? I was kept with fear. I was frightened not that, certainly, that would be, as Vertinsky, only « minute on a way » – we people adults, and not sang that from your party(side) it was only instant physical an inclination, and that on a drunk head. It would be not the worst variant. I was afraid, what you at all do not learn(find out) me, and in reply to the enthusiastic greeting I shall hear something like « Forgive, and with whom I speak? », also I shall understand, that I have invented all. That from your party(side) there was nothing, except for superficial flirtation with the woman, whose name next morning cannot be recollected. And can, and flirtation was not. So, a long habit to be gallant … And I shall play that role of female repertoir which to me was always disgusting: a role of the little fool chasing own illusion.
So I thought, laying on the bottom shelf and looking at fires of Moscow flashing behind a window. Long, almost hour this sea sparkled behind a window, flowing from sleeping areas to suburbs, from suburbs – to near country areas, and in its infinity there was something giving hope. So gives to hope infinity of the spring sky leaving for horizon a railway track, beskrajnost the seas – everything, that reminds of formidability of this world and inexhaustibility of opportunities in him. And then I have fallen asleep.
I do not regret that has not called. There, where lyrical digression in the business text of life, not always pertinently ruthless frank knowledge begins. I shall think, that you have not called because too were frightened, – frightened yourself, frightened, that suddenly arisen feeling can become too strong and will destroy your adjusted life. Well sounds, the truth? To me it is ridiculous, but let will be so. I shall not begin to check, I shall simply cross out in a word "meeting" the big letter both I shall write small. Also I shall wait again.
ALICIA FRIDMAN (ATHENS,GREECE)
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